dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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