And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
