there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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