We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Terrible idea I love it
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
