Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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