Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
