i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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