I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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