Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
