I showed him my bush... on skype.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
