ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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