i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
