Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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