i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
