She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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