this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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