he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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