i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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