i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I FOUND THE LEGS
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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