He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
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I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
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Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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