she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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