she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
