Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
