I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
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He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God