First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
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The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
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Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.