someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
