just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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