After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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