Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My bed is full of blood and feathers
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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