your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
