Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
