i think my tv is drunk
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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