I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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