Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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