I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
