it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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