you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
