Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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