I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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