I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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