best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Randomize
