you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
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I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
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Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.