woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Alive.
So much puke
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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