My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
