I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
