This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.