i jhust puked up my retainher.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken