My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
