she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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