my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
