I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
