I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
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