I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
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its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
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You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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