the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
