god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
