Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
