Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
